Adventures of a Wimpy Werewolf: Hairy But Not Scary Read online

  * Hold a peace protest outside Ryan’s house (Chloe’s idea)

  This was vetoed by me on the grounds that I’m still incredibly frightened of him.

  * Devise an anti-war piece of drama (my idea)

  This was rejected by Chloe on the grounds that theatre is not a medium appreciated by the other wolves, as she found when she tried to organize a pack trip to Stratford-upon-Avon last year.

  * Stay in bed together for a week to promote peace like John Lennon and Yoko Ono (my idea)

  This was rejected by Chloe.

  * Produce anti-war badges (my idea)

  This was approved, as I still have the badge-making machine I used for the chess club and the debating society.

  * Celebrity endorsement (my idea)

  This was initially rejected as too difficult to organize, but then we realized we could just use the celebrities without asking them. My first suggestions for campaign spokesmen were Stephen Fry and Sir Ian McKellen, but after consulting with Chloe about the cultural interests of the pack, we have now produced a leaflet that reads: ‘Wayne Rooney says, “No to war with vampires.”’

  * Write a protest song (Chloe’s idea)

  This was approved, as Chloe’s dad owns an acoustic guitar.

  Chloe has now gone home to write her song and I’ve produced forty badges with the slogan ‘War with vampires? No fangs.’ That should be enough to avert supernatural apocalypse for now. In the meantime, back to the science revision!

  Sunday 20TH May

  I had a good revision session this morning, then Chloe came round and played her protest song. At first I thought she was tuning the guitar and warming up her voice, but after a while I realized it was the actual song.

  The song’s called ‘Fangs and Fur’ and the only lyrics in it are, ‘Fangs and fur, peace not war’. I wouldn’t say it was a pleasant experience, but protest songs aren’t necessarily meant to be. So what if Chloe sounds like a dog with its tail trapped in a car door when she sings? I once saw a clip of a very famous protest singer called Bob Dylan, and if anything his voice was even worse.

  I pretended to like the song and then we set out to visit the next wolves on our map. The first we visited was Dave, who works as a shopfitter in South Newchester. I could tell he was going to be a tough sell, but we did our best to explain our cause anyway. He seemed interested in the Wayne Rooney leaflet, but I could tell the finer points of our argument weren’t sinking in. After a few minutes he stopped us to say that he wasn’t interested in politics. Then Chloe launched into her protest song, and he slammed the door in our faces.

  From there we took a bus to a small village south of Newchester called High Oak where a pack member called Sarah lives in a detached house called ‘The Hollyhocks’. She seemed to have a much more open mind, and happily accepted the badges and leaflets we offered. She even sat politely through Chloe’s song, although she winced slightly during the tenth chorus.

  In the end, she said we’d won her over and agreed to boycott the battle, which was a bit of a result. Even if we only convince half the pack to do the same, it will make Ryan rethink his plans. It just goes to show the power of peaceful protest.

  Anyway, no more time for this. I’ve got my science exam tomorrow.

  Monday 21ST May

  I don’t think that went too badly. I wouldn’t say I got everything right, but I certainly did better than on that test when my hands turned into paws. I got a bit stuck on the section about the human body, because it made me wonder about the biology of werewolves. Nothing I’ve been taught so far can explain why I have the power to change my muscles and bones, so why should I bother with science at all? What else don’t they know?

  Despite my disillusionment with the limits of human knowledge, I managed to answer most of the questions, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t fail.

  Whatever Ryan’s motives were, I’m still grateful he trained me to control my transformations. I couldn’t have done my exams at all if he hadn’t. The invigilators are so strict they don’t let anyone out of the hall. I bet even a species change wouldn’t count as a good enough excuse.

  Just got this email from Ryan:

  I can’t work out if he means I won’t be around because the vampires will kill me, or if he’s threatening me personally.

  I suppose I could keep my training up until we’ve convinced enough wolves to revolt against him. My next exam isn’t until Thursday, so I can probably fit it in.

  Tuesday 22ND May

  Ryan was very friendly when I turned up, which should have made me suspicious, given that I’d missed three days of training. We went out into the garden, transformed and practised attack moves. I really enjoyed the exercise while I was in my wolf state, and I forgot all about the peace movement.

  After this, Ryan fixed manacles around my legs and said we had to start another vital phase of training. I should have turned human again and questioned what he was doing, but you’re very trusting of your pack leader when you’re in wolf form.

  Then Ryan picked up a stick, threw it to the other end of the garden and shouted ‘Fetch!’ I instinctively ran after it, and the manacles on my legs made me fall flat on my face. He repeated this over and over again, sniggering to himself.

  Next Ryan brought out a Hello Kitty soft toy and fixed it to my tail with a rubber band. I kept spotting the annoying cat out of the corner of my eye and trying to rip it to shreds. But every time I pounced, it leapt out of the way just as fast. Obviously, I can see what the problem was now, but it wasn’t easy to understand as a wolf. I just kept spinning round and round and tripping over my manacles, and still the hateful white cat wagged in and out of my field of vision.

  Finally, Ryan stuck a paper bag over my head. To my confused wolf brain, it seemed that I was trapped in a tiny room with no doors and windows and I began to howl with terror. Eventually I managed to calm down enough to turn human again, and the bag and toy fell away.

  I asked Ryan what the point of this training was, and he said it wasn’t training at all. It was punishment. Then he showed me an envelope Sarah had sent him containing our anti-war leaflet and badge, and a full outline of what we’d said to her.

  I can’t believe she grassed us up! I know I reported my fair share of pupils for smoking and fighting when I was a prefect, but there was no excuse for sneakiness this time. All we wanted to do was prevent violent conflict.

  Ryan asked me to explain myself, so I thought I might as well tell the truth. I said that I didn’t see why we couldn’t just leave the vampires to their island. After all, we still had Lunar Hall, so why couldn’t we be satisfied with that?

  This sent him off on another massive rant about how untrustworthy vampires are. He said they could turn up and attack us at any time of the day or night, and we weren’t safe until we wiped them out.

  Then he said he’d have to go away and decide what to do, leaving me to strain uselessly against my manacles.

  Ryan came back a couple of hours later and said he’d let me go free if I agreed to fight. He said he’d spoken to Chloe, and she’d confessed to being the ringleader of the conspiracy. He’d formally excluded her from the pack, and I had to promise never to speak to her again.

  He said that I deserved another chance, as it would be very useful for him to have another alpha werewolf in the attack. However, if I showed any more signs of disloyalty, he would personally rip my throat out.

  Now I’m back home and trying to revise for my English exam. I’m so tired I can barely lift up my pen, but I have to try.

  I don’t want Ryan to rip my throat out. I’ll never win another debating society trophy with no throat.

  Wednesday 23RD May

  Today I’m going to have a normal day. I’m not going to do anything weird and I’m not going to speak to any shape-shifters. I’m just going to get on with my revision and forget all about wolves and vampires.

  Chloe keeps leaving messages on my phone, while Ryan keeps sending emails to check I’m still on his
side, but I’m ignoring them all.

  Thursday 24TH May

  Thanks to my full day of revision, I think my English exam went pretty well. Luckily for me, one of the options was to write an essay arguing either for or against the war in Afghanistan. I chose the anti-war stance, and wrote a very passionate essay that helped me let off steam about my recent problems.

  To be honest, I think I kept getting the two conflicts muddled in my mind, like when I said that Americans only fight during full moons and the Taliban are allergic to garlic. But they mark you on the clarity of your argument rather than factual accuracy, so it should be fine.

  When I got out of the exam hall, Chloe was waiting for me at the school gates. I wanted to ignore her, but everyone kept asking if she was my girlfriend, so I thought I might as well pretend she was to boost my street cred.

  I told her that Ryan had threatened to rip my throat out if I had anything else to do with the peace movement, and she said that warmongering despots always use violence to get their own way.

  I asked her if there was anything we could do to prevent the attack, and she said she had a plan but she wanted to tell me about it before going ahead with it.

  Then she told me something so depraved and horrible it made me wish I’d never spoken to her in the first place.

  Chloe has met and spoken with actual vampires! Worse than that, she had a vampire boyfriend once! He was called Nigel, and he went to the same school as her. And at the start of last year, he moved up to Scotland to live in the very coven that Ryan wants to attack next full moon. So that’s why she was so concerned about the battle!

  Now Chloe wants to tip off Nigel about the upcoming attack so he can help us resolve the conflict peacefully. I told her I wanted no part in negotiations with undead fiends and that if she didn’t abandon her plan right away, I’d tell Ryan.

  Then she tried to convince me that vampires aren’t as bad as Ryan makes out, but I didn’t listen to her lies. She even had the cheek to claim that I reminded her of the one called Nigel! I was so incensed that I told her never to contact me again.

  Friday 25TH May

  It all seems so obvious now. Chloe has consorted with vampires, and their seductive words have wormed their way into her brain and blinded her from the truth. It’s just like Ryan said. Give them a few seconds and their lilting voices and mesmeric beauty will hypnotize you into believing their dangerous falsehoods.

  I thought Chloe was an honest pacifist, but it turns out she was an agent for the forces of darkness all along. They nearly infected me too, poisoning my brain with their depraved trickery.

  Anyway, the good news is that they didn’t, so I’m free to get on with my geography homework. I’m doing tectonic plates tonight, which should hopefully take my mind off evil beings for a while.

  Saturday 26TH May

  Chloe turned up at our house again this lunchtime, and Mum showed her in. Mum was really grinning again, as if she knew what was going on. She wouldn’t be grinning if she really did know what was going on. She’d be grabbing a crucifix and sobbing with terror. Still, there’s no point trying to explain any of it to her. She wouldn’t understand.

  I pretended to be pleased to see Chloe, but when Mum had gone, I had a go at her for coming round when I said I didn’t want to talk to her. She said that she just wanted another chance to convince me that vampires weren’t as bad as I’d heard. I said her mind had been corrupted by their lies and she’d become a vessel for their evil.

  She then produced a scrap of paper containing a poem that the vampire called Nigel had written for her before he went to Scotland. She began to read it, so I shoved my fingers in my ears, determined to protect myself from the seductive words. But as the poem went on, it didn’t seem very dangerous or alluring at all. It just seemed a bit… well… rubbish.

  When Chloe finished the poem, I waited to see if the words brainwashed me into lusting after the shadowy realm of the undead, but nothing happened.

  Then she showed me some passport photos she’d taken with Nigel in the train station booth. Let’s just say that if vampires really do have an alluring supernatural beauty, it doesn’t come across in photographs. Maybe if she’d had a picture of a female vampire it would have been easier for me to judge.

  The more she described Nigel, the more it seemed that he wasn’t very scary at all. He even joined a chess club once, although he prefers computer games.

  After a while I agreed that if Nigel was really as normal as she claimed, we might as well ask for his advice. I still didn’t fancy taking part in a supernatural battle, despite everything I’d promised Ryan.

  Sunday 27TH May

  Chloe got back in touch with Nigel today, and I have to say I’m feeling much more relaxed about the whole thing now.

  Nigel seems to have everything under control, so hopefully we can get all this sorted out soon. That’s quite a weight off my mind. Back to the geography revision for me.

  Monday 28TH May

  I think I did pretty well on my geography exam this afternoon. I won’t go as far as to predict that I’ll get an A star, but I reckon I’ll get at least a B when they take my coursework into account.

  After the exam, Pete asked if the girl who’d come to meet me on Thursday was my girlfriend, so I pretended she was. He asked me how I managed to get an older girlfriend, so I said I got off with her in a nightclub, but it wasn’t a big deal.

  He then tried to boast about how he’d completed the latest Uncharted game on difficult mode, but I just shrugged. Older girlfriend beats gaming skill and he knew it. I know she isn’t actually my girlfriend, but it’s only fair that my condition should win me some sort of cool points after all the embarrassment it’s caused.

  Unfortunately, I hung around for so long that Tyson spotted me and announced that we were having a fight. I’ve had so much on my plate recently that I’d completely forgotten about the day I clawed him on the back of the head.

  Before long, word about the fight spread around the playground and a massive crowd gathered round us to watch.

  Tyson shoved me a few times, and then waited for a reaction. At first I was terrified I’d transform, but I managed to stay calm and stay human.

  I wasn’t entirely sure what I could do. I couldn’t turn into a wolf with everyone watching, but on the other hand, I couldn’t run away and let this pathetic little human beat me.

  Instead, I leapt up into the air and attempted a flying kick. If I’d performed this move in wolf form I’d have split Tyson in two, but the human version wasn’t exactly lethal. I managed to brush his chest with my foot, but I landed awkwardly and hurt myself more than him.

  It worked, though. Tyson was so shocked he turned and ran out of the school gates in tears, to a clamour of shame coughs. Someone in the crowd shouted ‘Luke’s a ginger ninja!’ and everyone laughed. I’m glad I’m leaving school, as this would almost certainly have become my nickname. Still, it’s better than ‘Copper Top’ or ‘Ginger Minger’, isn’t it?

  Tuesday 29TH May

  I woke up this morning to see that Tyson had posted back my copy of Grand Theft Auto. He hadn’t included a note of apology, but it was a definite sign of submission.

  So I was feeling pretty good as I settled down for a celebratory game. The war was off, I was getting back on top of my work and everyone at school thought I was the Karate Kid. I must remind myself never to tempt fate by thinking so positively ever again.

  When I turned on my computer, I saw the following email:

  An awkward situation? We’ve just stoked up the most deadly conflict in the history of earth. It’s a bit more than awkward.

  I thought Nigel said his coven leader was a reasonable vampire. I’d hate to meet an unreasonable one!

  It looks like Ryan was right about vampires all along. They’re warlike and deadly. Just because Chloe met one who was a bit pathetic, she started to believe they were rational beings.

  She was wrong, and now we’re just over a week away from a
deadly conflict. It couldn’t have happened at a worse time, either. I’ve got my French exam on Friday and that’s my worst subject.

  Wednesday 30TH May

  Chloe just called round at my house again. She looked really stressed, and kept looking out the window to see if Ryan was coming. I told her that he probably hadn’t even received the battle proclamation yet, and even if he had he might spare her life, or at least kill her fairly painlessly.

  I don’t think this helped, because she said she had to leave town right away so he couldn’t find her. She said she was going to head north and find a bed and breakfast while she worked out what to do.

  I think she was expecting me to come along, but I really need to get on with my French revision. If I felt like I’d aced my oral and listening tests earlier in the year it would be a different story, but I’ve got a lot riding on the final exam.

  I know there are lots of exciting things happening at the moment, but it doesn’t mean that knowledge is no longer important. For example, what if I have to battle some evil French vampires one day? Then I’ll be glad I can understand them. As long as they don’t use any adjectives. I haven’t had time to revise those.

  I told Chloe to call me once she’d worked out what we should do and she ran off to the station.

  Thursday 31ST May