Diary of a Wimpy Vampire Read online

  First published in Great Britain in 2010 by

  Michael O’Mara Books Limited

  9 Lion Yard

  Tremadoc Road

  London SW4 7NQ

  This electronic edition published in 2010

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-611-4 in ePub format

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-612-1 in Mobipocket format

  ISBN: 978-1-84317-458-5 in paperback print format

  Copyright © Michael O’Mara Books Limited 2010

  All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Cover by Allan Somerville

  Text design by Envy

  Illustrations by Andrew Pinder

  www.mombooks.com

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Thanks to Lindsay Davies, Ana McLaughlin,

  Sarah Sandland and everyone at Michael O’Mara Books.

  Thanks to Andrew Pinder for the illustrations. Finally,

  thanks as ever to Collette.

  Also by Tim Collins

  THE LITTLE BOOK OF TWITTER

  THE NORTHERN MONKEY SURVIVAL GUIDE

  THE BALDIES’ SURVIVAL GUIDE

  THE GINGER SURVIVAL GUIDE

  SATURDAY 1ST JANUARY

  I shall turn 100 this year, so I thought it was about time I kept a diary. Perhaps you’re reading this in the future when some idiot has rammed a stake through my heart or chopped my head off. Perhaps you’re a professor who’s studying my poetry. Either way, welcome to my first ever diary!

  Just because I said that I would turn 100 this year, don’t imagine me as an ancient old man. To your eyes, I would look fifteen years old, as this is the age I was turned into a vampire by the people I call my parents. They transformed me along with the girl I call my sister, as they felt like starting a family. And did they ask me about my feelings on the subject? Of course they didn’t.

  You might think that being undead is a non-stop thrill ride. Well, think again. Today was boring as hell and I’ve got another day to go until school starts again. I can’t believe I’m looking forward to going back to that place. That should tell you how exciting things are round here!

  SUNDAY 2ND JANUARY

  It’s quite hard to get the hang of writing diary entries. Humans probably start by saying what time they wake up, but I never sleep. I suppose I should start with what happened from midnight onwards. Or maybe make 4 am the cut-off point. It won’t make much difference anyway, as all I ever do at night is play computer games.

  If you’re wondering why I don’t run around all night sucking the blood of humans, it’s because Mum and Dad have to do all that stuff for me. When you transform into a vampire, your strength and speed are supposed to increase to superhuman levels. But guess what happened to me? Oh, that’s right. Absolutely nothing. If anything, I got even weaker and slower than ever.

  The annoying thing is, I still need blood to survive. But as it’s too difficult for me to hunt, I have to rely on Mum and Dad to get it for me. Every few days, they travel to a different town to get a fresh supply, because if they did it right here in Stockfield, everyone would realize we were vampires and put us in a zoo or something.

  I hate being dependent on Mum and Dad, but I don’t feel guilty about making them get the blood. After all, I didn’t ask to be transformed. They got me into this mess, and fetching my meals every day is the very least they can do.

  MONDAY 3RD JANUARY

  A new girl has joined our school. She is called Chloe and her family has just moved to town. She has pale skin, black eyes and dark hair in a ponytail, showing off her long neck. She sat on her own in History, so I think she’s scared of meeting new people. It will be interesting to see if she ends up making friends with the popular gang, the tough gang or the goths.

  I’m sort of part of the goths but I don’t hang around with them outside school or anything. I’m a bit of a mysterious loner, really.

  Anyway, other than the new girl joining, it was a rather uneventful first day back. We had Maths with Mr Wilson and he said that we weren’t concentrating enough because we were still too full of Christmas pudding. He made the same joke last year and I didn’t laugh then either. Nobody likes to ask him for help because he leans right over your shoulder and his breath smells of rancid coffee. People say the smell of garlic is lethal to vampires. Well take it from me, it’s got nothing on Maths teacher coffee breath.

  Had some type A+ blood for dinner. It was quite bitter. You’re supposed to say ‘Bless the sacred life force’ before you drink it, but I’m too much of a rebel to bother with tradition.

  TUESDAY 4TH JANUARY

  I sat next to Chloe today in Art and I could smell that she had type O- blood, which is rare but especially tasty (my dad calls it the champagne of blood). I told her about the goths, the tough gang and the popular gang, and she said she wouldn’t want to be in the popular gang anyway. She is a girl after my own heart.

  I told her about the rumour that Mr Byrne was a millionaire before he lost all his money and had to become an English teacher, and about how Darren from our class came in on No Uniform Day wearing his PE kit because he’s so poor that these are the only clothes he owns. She didn’t laugh at this and said she felt sorry for him, and I agreed, to make myself look caring and sensitive.

  4AM

  I am in love with Chloe! I know this because I’ve been thinking about her since half past ten. I can’t stop picturing her dark eyes and her lovely pale neck.

  I’ve had crushes on various girls before, but this is the real thing. Even if I could eat or sleep I wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep right now!

  WEDNESDAY 5TH JANUARY

  I sat next to Chloe in the library at lunchtime. Every time I stared at her she looked down at her book instead of making eye contact. By rights, I should have mesmerized her with my intense, brooding beauty, but there was no sign of that.

  Basically, I got the worst deal ever when I became a vampire. Every other vampire in history developed a supernatural level of attractiveness when they transformed. But not me. When I look in the mirror,* I just see a pasty, tired, fifteen-going-on-100-year-old looking back at me.

  It’s so unfair that I didn’t get vampire beauty. I thought that was part of the deal. How am I supposed to attract humans to feed on? With my bubbly personality?

  Anyway, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can’t snare Chloe in with my vampire good looks, so I’m going to have to do this the hard way, through seduction.

  *Yes, vampires can see themselves in mirrors. Don’t believe everything you see in horror films. Why would becoming a vampire mean that you couldn’t see your reflection any more? If they’re going to make up lies about us, they could at least make sense.

  THURSDAY 6TH JANUARY

  A policeman showed us a road safety video in assembly this morning. It was really gory, and upset some of the younger pupils, but it just made me feel thirsty. Sometimes I am ashamed of myself.

  At lunchtime I went back to the library to sit next to Chloe. I wanted to talk to her, but I was too nervous. It was so humiliating. My kind has struck fear into the hearts of female humans for centuries. Why should I be the nervous one?

  I can’t even ask my parents for advice. They possess vampire beauty, so they wouldn’t understand. I just wish they’d had the courtesy to pass it down to
me.

  Tonight I asked Dad what the best way to impress a girl is and he said you should save her from death. But how am I supposed to do that without vampire strength? Buy her a cycle helmet? Give her an anti-smoking leaflet? As ever, he’s totally failed to appreciate what it’s like for me.

  FRIDAY 7TH JANUARY

  An embarrassing thing happened today. I was sitting behind Chloe in History, and my fangs extended.

  When you’re a vampire, your fangs are supposed to grow longer when you’re about to feed on a human. As I don’t hunt, this doesn’t happen to me very often. But today it happened when I looked at Chloe, which was quite alarming.

  I was getting bored listening to Mr Morris droning on about the Second World War, so I looked over at Chloe. As I focused on her, I began to hear the sound of blood pumping around her veins and I thought about what a wonderful relief it would be if I could pierce her jugular vein and have a refreshing sip. Then I ran my tongue across my teeth and I realized that my fangs had grown to twice their normal length!

  To make the whole situation even more awkward, Mr Morris then accused me of paying no attention, and quizzed me about what he’d been saying. I know all about the Second World War, because I remember it well, but I couldn’t speak in case anyone saw my fangs, so he went nuts at me.

  It’s official - even my own body has decided to make things difficult for me now.

  SATURDAY 8TH JANUARY

  After all the stress of last week I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed today and think about Chloe and her pretty neck. No chance of that, though. Dad barged in at six this morning and announced that we were going for a hike.

  I hate family hike days.* As I lack vampire strength and speed, I’m always trundling along behind the rest of them as they bound back and forth like undead labradors.

  Even my little sister runs ahead of me on family hikes. She has vampire strength and speed, but good luck getting her to admit this when Mum and Dad want her to do something round the house.

  Today’s hike was around the wild countryside north of Stockfield and the three of them kept zipping around and telling me about the lakes, hills and forests I was missing out on. Like I even cared.

  We came across a wide river and they crossed it by leaping hundreds of feet up in the air. Dad offered to carry me across on his back, but I told them I’d wait in the car.

  And it’s in my dad’s Volvo that I reside now, Dear Diary, thinking about my sweet sweet Chloe. I have been waiting for three hours now, and gazing at the tempestuous, turbulent clouds racing across the windswept landscape. So this is what being in love is like!

  *Technically they’re my ‘coven’ rather than my family, and we live in a ‘lair’ rather than a house. I don’t see the point in these formal terms, though.

  SUNDAY 9TH JANUARY

  Annoying things about my sister Part One Million: she’s decided that she wants to drink animal blood rather than human blood from now on. She says she’s doing this for ‘ethical reasons’. One of her friends must have taught her that phrase because she’s used it about fifty times today.

  What ethical reasons? Feeding on humans doesn’t kill them, unless the vampire in question is so greedy that they drain every last drop of their blood. It won’t even turn them into vampires if you don’t mix blood with them.

  All that happens to humans is they’re mesmerized, drained of a couple of pints of blood, left feeling a bit woozy and have to take a couple of days off work. When you think about it, vampires are no more evil than a case of flu.

  Anyway, my sister says she only wants to drink animal blood now, so today they’ve all driven off to gather it from cows and sheep. Needless to say, I’m refusing to take any part in this charade. My sister is only going to make herself ill by refusing to drink proper blood. As long as she doesn’t come crying to me when she’s weak with hunger, it’s of no interest to me.

  Note: If you are actually my sister and you’re reading this, I don’t care if I’ve upset you. It’s no less than you deserve for reading the secret words of others.

  Update: I have decided that every night I will tape a hair over the end of my diary. If the hair is broken I will know my sister has been looking in here.

  MONDAY 10TH JANUARY

  12:20PM

  I am sitting opposite Chloe in the library writing this. She’s always here at lunchtime. This either means she doesn’t have any friends yet or she’s a swot. I hope she’s a swot, because that way none of the other boys will fancy her and I’ll have a better chance. Perhaps in a minute she’ll look over and ask me what I’m writing.

  12:55PM

  Lunch is coming to an end now and Chloe has not yet asked me what I’m writing. I think I need to be more proactive. I shall find out more about her interests. She is currently looking at a book about animals, so I shall pretend I’m interested in them, even though the truth of the matter is that I hate them because they freak out if I go anywhere near them.

  2AM

  Mum and Dad were playing funeral marches at full volume tonight, which made it really hard for me to concentrate on learning animal facts. When they finally went upstairs, they left all the candles on. I must have told them a thousand times that this could cause a fire.

  TUESDAY 11TH JANUARY

  I think I’m bonding with Chloe. Perhaps she’ll yield to my immortal allure soon.

  I reeled off my animal facts in the library this lunchtime. She seemed quite impressed, and we had a good chat.

  Later on she offered me one of her boiled sweets. It was supposed to be lime-flavoured, but like anything that isn’t blood, it tasted of coal dipped in sick to me. When she wasn’t looking, I spat the rotten thing into the bin. But I kept the wrapper as a relic of my love.

  I shall tell her about this when we’re married and we shall laugh.

  To get rid of the taste of the sweet, I went to the toilets for lunch. I understand that this might sound rather unpleasant, but this is the only way I can feed at school. Every day, I take a flask of blood to school as a packed lunch. As I can hardly sit in the canteen with blood dribbling down my chin, I have to lock myself in a toilet cubicle to enjoy it. I understand that as dining experiences go, this is unlikely to get a Michelin star, but it’s the only safe place for me to drink. I once tried it crouching down behind the wheelie bins, but someone saw me with blood all around my mouth and I had to pretend I’d fallen over.

  WEDNESDAY 12TH JANUARY

  6PM

  I couldn’t find Chloe at lunchtime, so I went to the steps at the back of the gym and hung around with the goths instead.

  The goths are called Brian, John and Si, and if you call them the goths they say they’re emos really. I think Brian only joined the group because he’s fat and it doesn’t show as much when you wear black. I think Si joined because he’s a ginger and he can dye his hair black. It’s hard to tell why John joined because he never says anything. As for me, I don’t really hang round with them out of choice. It’s just that my pale skin and black clothing sort of automatically place me in their gang.

  Brian has a girlfriend who goes to another school. I thought he might be lying until he showed me a picture of her. Nobody would pretend to have a girlfriend who looked like that.

  4AM

  I have been lying in bed all night and thinking about Chloe. Is it normal for a vampire to be this attracted to a human? I wish there was someone I could talk to.

  THURSDAY 13TH JANUARY

  Our Science lesson today was about the heart and the teacher kept going on about how blood pumps around the atria and ventricles. Needless to say, I got so thirsty that my fangs extended for the entire lesson and I had to bury my head in my textbook in shame.

  At the end of the lesson, we were given colour handouts with explicit pictures of hearts, veins and blood cells. I took mine home and hid it underneath my mattress.

  I sat with Chloe again at lunchtime, and she told me she’s agreed to be a prefect. Her duties will include reporting p
eople who run in the corridors or cause disruption in assembly. I doubt this will win her much popularity, but I respect her maturity, and fully intend to defend her against those who tease her for it. As long as I don’t have to fight anyone.

  FRIDAY 14TH JANUARY

  Chloe fell over and cut her knee on the way to the library today, and a small trickle of delicious type O- ran down her leg. I was so overpowered by the desire to lick it off that I had to run to the toilets and gulp down the contents of my flask.

  As I ran away I could see that Wayne from my class came to Chloe’s aid. What must she think of me for running away like that? Why am I cursed with these desires? How can I explain myself? Perhaps I should pretend that I have a phobia about blood rather than a thirst for it. Either way she’s going to think I’m a weirdo.

  SATURDAY 15TH JANUARY

  Today I offered to help Mum and Dad tidy the house. We only moved here six months ago, and it already looks like a ruined gothic castle. I know they feel more comfortable surrounded by thick velvet curtains, golden candelabras and ancient oil paintings, but the place is too gloomy and dusty. I bet social services wouldn’t be too impressed if they paid a visit.

  My parents rejected my offer, saying that I’d only throw something expensive away by mistake. So what should I do then? Wait for them to tidy up themselves? Let’s just say it’s a good job we’ve got the rest of eternity for that!

  This afternoon my sister asked me if I wanted to play football with her in the back garden. I said no, just like I did the last thousand times she asked. I don’t know why she thinks I’m suddenly going to change my mind.

  All that happens is that we take turns to do penalties while the other goes in goal. It’s all very one-sided, thanks to my sister’s speed and strength. I’ll take five penalties, which she’ll save in the unlikely event that they go near the goal, and then she’ll take five penalties. Even if I do catch the ball, the force of it whacks me into the back of the net and she counts it as a goal. We even broke the conservatory at our last house, when the force of one of her penalties dragged me through it.