The Adventures of a Wimpy Superhero Read online

  ‘There’s two of them in fancy dress,’ shouted a voice behind me. I turned to see a middle-aged woman in a grey tracksuit yelling into her phone. ‘They’re beating up a disabled man and stealing his shopping.’

  As we ran back home I could hear a police siren approaching.

  SATURDAY 9TH JANUARY

  There was no mention of us in the papers this morning and nothing about us on television or online. That’s good. We can just pretend yesterday didn’t happen.

  So what went wrong with our first crime-fighting mission? There were four mains areas:

  1. We weren’t very good at spotting crime.

  2. We didn’t have a plan for dealing with it when we did.

  3. Henry pushed over a disabled man.

  4. I forgot to use my catchphrase, ‘You’re never alone when The Loner’s here.’

  The last problem is easy to fix, and I’ve vowed never to bring Henry with me again, which takes care of the third. By assaulting an innocent member of the public, he caused more crime than he fought. So just by refusing to bring him again, I’m already doing my bit to stamp out crime.

  The first two problems will need a bit more work:

  1. I could go out later. Most serious crimes, like muggings and burglaries, happen after dark, so I’d be bound to spot plenty of evil. ‘Criminals ply their cowardly trade under the cloak of darkness,’ says Ratman in the The Dark Rodent Rises. ‘That’s why I live in the shadows.’ I’ll do the same, providing my parents agree to let me push my bedtime forward from half nine.

  2. I could make a utility belt. Almost every other superhero has one and I can now see how dangerous it was to attempt to fight crime without one.

  SUNDAY 10TH JANUARY

  I’ve finished my belt now and it’s looking good. I found my old Disneyland waist pack and tied a lot of useful stuff to it. I’ve got some plastic handcuffs, a torch, some scissors, some stink bombs and some bang snaps, which I can throw on the ground to make a loud noise.

  These last two might not seem like important weapons, but they can create a vital distraction in the heat of battle. Theatricality and deception are just as important as brute force in the fight against crime, as any Ratman fan will tell you. He always lobs a couple of smoke bombs at villains before shooting them.

  I also added a tape measure to my belt, though I’m not exactly sure why. I had space for it, so I thought I might as well bring it.

  I’m coming for you, crime. And this time I’m bringing all hell with me.

  MONDAY 11TH JANUARY

  An abacus is a counting tool that was popular before the invention of calculators. They were made from beans on wires or stones in grooves on wood.

  As you can see, I’m still working on my super intelligence. But it’s hard to keep going through the boring encyclopaedia when I’m surrounded by my awesome comic collection. I have the second-best collection in the whole of our school, with a total of 452 comics, including every issue of Ratman and Astonishingboy printed since I could read. Only Henry has a better collection, because he gets more pocket money.

  Whenever I’m reading my comics, I make sure my fingers only touch the white spaces at the edge of the pages so I don’t smudge the ink. This means the comics stay in top condition, which is really important.

  A mint copy of a really rare comic can sell for over a million dollars, so you should always preserve your collection. The most valuable comics are Ratman issue 1 from 1938, Astonishingboy issue 26 from 1943, which shows him giving Hitler a wedgie on the cover, and Ratman 368, from 1968, where the writer had a nervous breakdown and made him battle an evil giant trouser press. I don’t own any of these but I reckon some of mine will be just as valuable by 2093.

  I explain this to Dad every time he says I’m wasting money on comics. It’s not a waste of money; it’s an investment.

  TUESDAY 12TH JANUARY

  Today I got out of the Lonerbed, went to school using the Lonerbuspass, sat down at the Lonerdesk for a geography lesson and took out the Lonerpencilcase, Lonerpen, Lonerruler and Lonereraser.

  Then I decided to stop naming everything after my identity, because it was getting annoying.

  This evening I was looking through my collection of Ratman comics and I had a revelation. He doesn’t have any superpowers! And yet he’s an awesome hero. It just proves that you don’t need powers to battle criminal masterminds.

  It came as quite a relief, because I was getting really bored of trying to develop super intelligence. There’s only so much information about abscesses you can take in.

  I’ve never thought about it before, but Ratman just builds stuff like the Ratmobile, the Ratcopter and the Raterang, which mean he doesn’t need a superpower. If a supervillian ever gets the better of him, he just retreats to the Ratcave and invents another brilliant bit of technology.

  Obviously, Ratman has billions of dollars, which still gives him an advantage over me. I got £800 when my great aunt died, but most of that went on the Xbox.

  If only there was a way I could amass a fortune, I could be just as heroic as Ratman ... I’ve got it! All I need to do is buy a lottery ticket and win enough money to build an underground base and develop a ton of amazing stuff.

  WEDNESDAY 13TH JANUARY

  None of the places around here would sell me a scratch card, as they said I was too young. In the end I had to give some money to a man with a beard who smelled of vinegar to buy me some. He bought three and got himself a can of beer as commission.

  I was really close to winning £50,000, but the last panel I scratched away revealed just £1. So it looks as though I’ll have to put the underground weapons lab on hold.

  Now I’m worried it might have been illegal for me to ask the odd-smelling man to buy the scratch cards. The problem with trying to fight crime is that you accidentally keep committing it.

  THURSDAY 14TH JANUARY

  One of the most important things about being a superhero is saying the right one-liners after you’ve defeated a supervillain. Crowds of bystanders will expect a top-quality zinger right away. Nothing is more awkward than keeping people waiting while you think of a pun. I need to prepare my one-liners now in case I’m too tired to think of them after battle.

  So far I’ve come up with:

  For when I’ve defeated a supervillain who uses ice: Breaking the law is never cool.

  For when I’ve defeated a supervillain who uses fire: What’s the matter? Am I too hot to handle?

  For when I’ve defeated a cat-themed supervillainess: Looks like You’ve had a major CATastrophe.

  For other types of supervillain, I’ll have to think of a pun on the spot. It’s going to be tough, but no one said being a hero would be easy.

  FRIDAY 15TH JANUARY

  I’ve noticed that many superheroes work at their local newspaper as either a photographer or reporter. This gives them income to buy extra weapons and helps ensure good press coverage. I think I’ll give the local paper a call and ask if I can work for them.

  UPDATE

  I just spoke to a woman at the newspaper, and she said they aren’t hiring any new reporters or photographers at the moment. She said I can send her articles if I want, and she’ll consider editing them and publishing them. I won’t get any money for it, but it will look good to any future employers in the unlikely event my superhero career doesn’t work out.

  This doesn’t solve my funding issues, but at least it will help me control my media coverage: supervillains won’t be able to frame me for their crimes and turn the town’s fickle masses against me. That’s a massive problem for us heroes.

  SATURDAY 16TH JANUARY

  I went out to fight crime on my own today and I had much more success. I foiled three whole crimes, in fact. They weren’t major ones, but it was a good start.

  To save time, I patrolled the streets with my costume already on. A few people shouted at me and some boys in a car threw a bottle of Coke at me, but most people ignored me.

  The first crime I
spotted was a teenager dropping a hot dog wrapper on the ground. I ran over and asked him to put it in the bin, but he didn’t hear me because he had headphones in. In the end, I had to pick up the wrapper and put it in the bin myself.

  Take that, crime!

  Next I spotted a man plastering posters for a nightclub on the window of a derelict building. A quick check on my phone confirmed that this is called ‘flyposting’ and is illegal. When he was up his ladder, I kicked his paste over and ran away.

  Another crime thwarted!

  Finally, I saw a man with a beard sitting next to an ATM and asking people if they could spare any change. Faster than a speeding bullet, I checked on my phone that begging was illegal and told him to stop.

  Prepare to be wiped out, crime!

  The man took a recorder out of his pocket and said he’d busk instead because that was legal. I checked on my phone and discovered he was telling the truth.

  He then played a horrible tune that made everyone put their fingers in their ears. I felt guilty for forcing him to play the instrument and inflicting the horrible sound on everyone. But I still reduced crime and that’s what counts.

  I would have foiled more crimes but I started needing the toilet and wasn’t sure what to do. Henry’s mum didn’t include a flap or zipper on my costume, and I’d have had to take the whole thing off if I wanted to go, which would have looked weird at a urinal.

  I tried to ignore the urge, but it got too bad. I was glad Henry’s mum had made me a black costume. At least no one would be able to see the dark patch if the worst happened.

  I managed to make it home just in time to avoid disaster. It made me wonder what other superheroes do, because you never see them breaking off a fight with an arch-nemesis to strain their greens. Astonishingboy has superhuman endurance, so he can probably just hold it in. Steel Guy must have funnels built into his suit. And Ratman probably has some sort of flap on the back of his costume.

  But it’s Wolfmutant I feel sorry for. His fingernails turn into long, sharp claws every time he gets angry. He’d have to make sure he was totally calm before having a pee or the consequences would be dire.

  SUNDAY 17TH JANUARY

  I’ve written an article about my crime-fighting spree and I’m going to send it to the local paper under the pen name of Noel Hermit. I’ve even taken a selfie in costume to go with it, so they won’t need to send a photographer round.

  I chose the name NOEL HERMIT because a hermit is someone who lives alone and separate from society like The Loner. And also because it’s an anagram of I’m THE LONER and it’s always good to give cryptic clues to your secret identity.

  WHO IS THE MYSTERIOUS MASKED CRIME-FIGHTER?

  BY NOEL HERMIT

  A local crimewave has been thwarted by a totally amazing masked vigilante. Reports suggest that serious felonies such as begging, flyposting and littering have been halted by a dashing superhero known only as ‘The Loner’. Local criminal gangs have so far declined to comment on the emergence of the masked crusader, although sources suggest they’ll think twice about breaking the law in future.

  UPDATE

  Brilliant news! My article will be in Tuesday’s edition of the paper! With the force of the media behind me, there’ll be no stopping my crusade against crime now.

  MONDAY 18TH JANUARY

  I’ve been looking through my comics and I’ve had another fantastic idea. If I buy a military searchlight and stick a giant black ‘L’ on it, the police could shine it into the sky whenever they need my help.

  My logo will be projected onto the clouds, and I’ll be able to see it from my window. Lots of other people will see it too, so it will be great for public awareness.

  UPDATE

  I’ve just had a look at military searchlights online and they are far too expensive! Even if I saved all my birthday and Christmas money for ten years, I’d never be able to afford one. But maybe the police will foot the bill, seeing as they’re the ones who’ll benefit.

  ANOTHER UPDATE

  I just called the police and they were really rude. The woman said I should stop wasting their time as people who’ve been robbed or attacked might need to get through. I tried to explain that it would help to prevent lots of crime if we worked side by side, but she hung up. Now I’ve given myself a sore throat from doing the Loner voice and it was all for nothing.

  It’s no wonder people like me have to take crime-fighting into their own hands when the official law enforcers are so unhelpful.

  TUESDAY 19TH JANUARY

  I rushed downstairs when I heard the local paper drop through our door this afternoon. I flipped it over to the front page. For some reason, there was an article about a new bus route in the town centre instead of my exclusive story.

  I leafed through all the pages, but still couldn’t spot it. Finally, I saw it at the bottom of page fifteen. Not only had they given it a terrible placement, they’d completely changed it! I couldn’t believe it! That’s the last time I’m giving them a scoop.

  LOCAL TEEN MAKES SUPER COSTUME FOR CHARITY

  Noel Hermit has found a great way to raise money for charity – he’s patrolling Dudchester in a superhero costume he made himself. Noel, 15, will be collecting for his school’s charity appeal. Please give generously, as it’s all for a super cause.

  I don’t know where she got all that nonsense about charity. I want justice, not spare change. Now I’ll have people flinging money at me, which might even count as begging and make me a lawbreaker again.

  Then the police will want to take my name, but I won’t be able to give it to them without compromising my secret identity, and they’ll put me in prison. And that’s what I get for trusting the media.

  WEDNESDAY 20TH JANUARY

  I found Henry waiting for me outside school this morning with his hands on his hips.

  ‘I saw that thing in the local paper,’ he said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were doing charity stuff in costume?’

  ‘I wasn’t doing charity stuff,’ I said.

  ‘You weren’t fighting crime without me, were you?’ asked Henry.

  ‘Of course not,’ I said.

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Just make sure you text me if you’re going out in costume. We agreed to be a crime-fighting duo, remember?’

  I nodded, even though I don’t remember making any official alliance with him. I let him come along the first time, and he totally messed things up. He failed to prove his worth as my sidekick, and I can’t even have one anyway, because I’m called The Loner.

  Henry held his arm out and ran into school shouting, ‘Ninja Kid!’, proving once again how unsuited he is to having a secret identity.

  I don’t know what to do now. I’ve told Henry I won’t fight crime alone, and a true superhero must always keep his word. But I can’t bring him because he’ll mess everything up. And I can’t stop fighting crime because there are innocent people who need saving. I’ve only been protecting this town for a few days and already I’m facing a dilemma. It’s just like in the comics.

  THURSDAY 21ST JANUARY

  I took my mind off worrying about Henry today by designing some brilliant new superhero equipment.

  The Lonercopter

  Advantages: Handy for overhead pursuit of villains.

  Disadvantages: Very expensive; town lacks helipads.

  The Lonermobile

  Advantages: Flameproof, bulletproof, 0-60 in two seconds.

  Disadvantages: Traffic in town very bad; I can’t drive.

  The Lonercycle

  Advantages: Good for the environment.

  Disadvantages: Supervillains may have cars.

  The Lonersub

  Advantages: Undetectable to enemy radar.

  Disadvantages: Most crime takes place out of water.

  The Lonerbus

  Advantages: Could be used to transport large numbers of innocent citizens back from enemy lair.

  Disadvantages: Multi-seat vehicles don’t sit well with Loner concept.
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  UPDATE

  After considering all these options, I’ve decided to go for the Lonercycle. I already have a bike, so it was a no-brainer really.

  FRIDAY 22ND JANUARY

  I’ve resolved my dilemma. I’ll go on another solo crime-fighting mission tonight, and just make sure Henry never finds out.

  I’ll pretend to go to bed at half nine as usual, but as soon as I hear Mum and Dad snoring, I’ll change into my costume and jump from my bedroom window to the porch roof to the floor. By the time I’ve ridden the Lonercycle to the town centre, it will be after midnight, and I’ll be into peak crime time.

  Here goes!

  UPDATE

  I thought I might see some crime, but I wasn’t expecting THAT.

  I rode to the high street, tied my bike to a streetlight and started my patrol. Unfortunately, drunk people kept shouting at me, so I had to duck down one of the backstreets.

  I felt quite mysterious and heroic as I flitted through the shadows. Like Ratman said, to conquer darkness you must become darkness.

  I was wondering if I should scale one of the buildings when a van sped past. I was sure it was going over the speed limit, so I ran after it to read the licence plate. I heard screeching brakes and wondered if they’d seen me and slowed down in fear. It turned out they were actually committing a massive crime.